I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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