she looked like the bat from fern gully.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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