chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
