Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
