I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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