I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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