So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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