believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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