Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
