You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
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You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
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Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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