Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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