i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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