I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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