Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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