I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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