It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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