Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
