Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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