mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
