It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
