Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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