hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
