I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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