I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
