I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
