happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Pants are for mortals
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
