Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
