got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
