I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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