I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
