Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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