if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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