Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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