So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
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he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
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I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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