i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
