Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
