Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
