dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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