my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
