I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
