I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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