His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
