yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
