so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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