I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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