i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
