During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My cat gives me a boner
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
