So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
