I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Houston, we have a blender
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
