i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize