It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
