I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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